3 hours

希望我们的关系可以简简单单的开心。

I am angry when you use threatening words and "fuck" and "I hate you" But I don't know why I went to change clothes. and then I ly on my bed for awhile to cool down. I ask myself, what is wrong with you? Something must have happened.

5 min later, I was out and got into a cab to your house. My brain is asking me, "are you stupid?" "How can you stand her temper?" "She keep throwing her anger." "Are you really happy like this?" "Is this is what you really want?" Honestly, I have no answer. I just want to be at her side, I just want to see her. Other then that,  my mind is blank.

Mid way to your house, we talk on the phone. When you know that I am already on the way to your house, you suddenly break down. I wish I have you in my arm at that point of time. Although I am of no help to you and your family.


我不要你不开心

I don't want when the day come when I start to loose control or even hating you. Before that happen, I tell myself not to love you as much as before. I don't want to force onto you. People said, "No matter how much you love a person, if the person does not love you, you have to let her go to find her own happiness." And I tell myself, "No matter what, you will not love me again. Cause I have no confidence to make you love me again." "My existence will only be like a family bond. It is not a love bond." "A family member that is important in your life. but not a love bond that I wish to have with you." I will get used to it. I will... for you.... I will stop loving you as much as I want to love you.

Thank you for coming to my house, despite that you have to rush to eat with your family later. I want to tell you not to come, but I want to see you. And I don't want to quarrel with you and make you piss off. I getting to have less comments with you. I don't know what to say so that we will not be quarreling and be not happy about.

I don't have any high hope that we going to watch all the running man, we got married epi. With our busy schedule and limit time spend together, and our mood swing, I have low expectation of us and what we say that we want to do together. The energy between us is low. Sometimes, when you tell me that you are going out to watch movie with your friends at such a late hours, I was telling to myself, since when she can or want to come out so late at night. Most the times is family do not allow, another reason is you are tired or lazy to go out. I am kind of jealous of your friends. Silly me.

In short, I have no confidence at all to love you and give you forever happiness and 100% trust in me. I have no confidence that you will love me any more.

Sometimes, I went crazy and thoughts of crazy stuff. such as must I die or get into serious accident? Now is problem is you don't love me. You only treat me as one of your family member or a close friend. Will the day come that I am just your elder brother...

My words still stands,"Do you allow me to take care of you forever?"

I am not expecting that you going to feel anything after reading this... no expectation is better for you and me.