She tell me that I should tell her everything. Yet I did not tell her about this blog. Y? I need a channel to talk out my feeling. I don't know how to start to talk to her about my feeling. She is right. Every time I want to talk my feelings, the atmosphere is so serious. And once break, I do not want to talk anymore.

I wonder how can I tell her about my feeling. I want to tell her, but things just make me cannot talk to her. Is it of the following reason?

- I do not like to tell her my story, cause it is usually show that I am weak, useless, cannot say, "no" person. Every unhappiness I have, I hide. I don't want to show you my weakness. I said that I protect you always. How can someone who is weak protect you. 

- I don't like to be label as useless, nice to be bullied, cannot stand up for myself... but I know I am useless, nice to be bullied and cannot stand up for myself.

She told me that I did not speak for her. with JJ or my boss. 

She said that my words will get her into more trouble. 

She ask why I did not say no to other people need.

- And yes. Every time I want to talk. She just got things to shut me up. Guess I need to learn when to talk and not to talk. My judgment of timing is always at the wrong time. 

By starting this blog, it is a channel to write out how I feel. I don't know should I tell her about this blog. wait after she read all this then she got things to shoot me back or totally no reaction at all. Sometime, all I want from her is encouragement to live on as myself - an useless and helpless person. 

Just like you, I need your support. maybe that is why I cannot bring myself to rely on you too much. Although I trying to rely on you, telling you everything, putting you involve in my life. 

Guess your support is telling me off, cause most of my decision is against your wish...  

30 July

Dear Matsuo,

I am worry. The moment she sms me that she need the money to pay for drinks, my mind went worry mode. She is now in the state of bad mood. Will she drink too much? And her health, she is not suppose to drink. I hope I have mistaken her word, "drink" as just drinking non-alcohol drinks.

I have to stay calm. She don't like to be controlled. She is someone who can think. I must give her freedom. Argh... why there is no sms from her. Her one word reply is either she has no mood to talk or she is busy to talk.

Whole day I am thinking about her. Now I am worrying about her. Should I call her? or leave her alone? I wish I can fly to her down and bring her home. I remember that if I have a car, she will listen to me as and when I want her to be home. Argh... wish I have a car now and bring her home.

Suddenly all her words she say about sleeping forever and not waking up, that she is very tired and want to give up.

Please let her be home safe and not so late. I am waiting for her call...

I seem to have no mood to do anything... only waiting for her call.... If I call her and then piss her off then she is not happy. Argh...

Sign off,
Fuyu

Love Pt 4

有時候面對心愛的人流淚
會驚慌得不知所措 …… ♡
[This is really what I feel every time you tears]

讓一個人變強大的方式 …
就是擁有一個想要保護的人

 

[This is what I want to be]

愛是當她知道我有需要時她會馬上出現 ♡
就好像她需要的時候我也一定會站出來 ♡

 

[This is what I have to work on]

愛一個人是全心全意的投入
疼一個人是無怨無悔的付出

世間上最美好的愛戀
是為一個人付出時的勇敢
即使因此被傷得體無完膚
也無怨無怨 …… ♡

有沒有經歷過 ……
每次有簡訊聲時抱著美好的期待
結果收到的卻只是一封垃圾簡訊

 

29 Jul

After your work, you ask me to go home. I am helpless once more... 

[I do not like to explain of my action, that is why I don't like to go up to the office to see any of my colleague]

You walk off. I just went to sit at the Plazza. I did not look at you walking away, but I am sure you never turn back when you walk off. [Why do you not turn back? I feel that you don't care about me when you don't turn back. I know when you walk in front of me, mean you are not happy about something.]

Today, that was a time, you walk off. And I say out loud to you, "why you never turn back?". You shook your head and just when you turn left you look back and smile. Immediately, I feel happiness. 

Do you remember I answer you why I like you? It is because of sunflower. Your smile is my spring. Your laughter is my sunflower. With the combination, I feel like we are running in a garden of sunflowers. 

 

Coming back after you walk off and head to the office to return the keys, I sit at the Plazza. You tell me that you don't know what time you going to stay until. I got worry, but I know you want to be alone. I waited, and waited. Finally I go up to you. At least I thought, I just keep quiet and be with you. 

You cried. I am helpless again. No matter what I say, seems helpless. I only can be at your side. Kind of useless too, since I cannot afford a car or a house. 

In the cab home, I whisper things to you. When you tell me that you want to sleep, I was sad. [thinking that you don't want to listen to me.] Then again I realize I did my mistake again. I should think on your shoes. You are tired. I should just be quiet at your side. 

If you ask me what I said that night, I do not remember now. All I remember is, I hope by staying close to you, feeling your breathing, holding your hands, I can give you comfort, secure and warm. 

And I wish I can give you a kiss on your forehead every night. so that you can sleep soundly and have a good rest. 

When you tell me that you will sing to me everyday, I am very happy. I feel peace when I hear you sing. That is why I fall in love with you. 

Love Pt 3

有時候 ……
會不知不覺想起他/她
想起他/她時就會傻笑

即使你不是最好的
但却是我最珍惜的

即使你不是最好的
但卻是我最愛的 ♡

讓你哭到撕心裂肺的那個人 是你最愛的人 ♡
讓你笑到沒心沒肺的那個人 是最愛你的人 ♡

幸福 ……
是我無時無刻繫著你
即使你不在我身邊 ♡

 

愛一個人的滋味 ……
就是等待簡訊時的那份煎熬

總是反覆檢查手機
等待簡訊或電話
卻又一次次失望

 

lucky

You like to sing so that you can touch people heart. And you have touch my heart. That is how I start to fall in love with you.

The most lucky part of my body is my left side.
My Left shoulder let you have good rest
My Left ear hears your beautiful singing voice
My Left hand warms your gentle hand
My Left cheek rest on your soft hair
My Left arm feels your breathing

What happened yesterday?

What happened yesterday?

You ly on my shoulder, I kiss your forehead.
You ly on my shoulder again, I kiss your forehead again, and I went to kiss your nose. You move back and smile shyly
You ly on my shoulder again and say that your mother is going to finish praying, I kiss your forehead again. I went to kiss your lips. (taking the risk that you may slap me and get upset, but I am following my heart) You kiss back. (I was happy) We stop. (In my heart, I don't want to leave from this moment) I kiss you again, You kiss back again. And stop again. And went back to play ipad.

What was that about? True feelings?

The only thing I know is that moment was very peaceful to me.

Love Pt 2

所謂愛就是 ……
你冷、他也很冷
但他會毫不猶豫將外套脫下給你

能夠擁抱著你 ……♡
就是世間最美好的事

你/妳．就是我的天使 … ♡

每次我們吵架了 ……

到最後還是你先道歉
不管錯的人是不是你
愛 … 就是一種讓步♡

為了你去學我從來不會做的事♡
為了你學習我原本一竅不通的事

愛、是勇敢 …… ♡
我也膽小、但我會保護你
因為守護你是我接下來每一天都要做的事

有沒有經歷過 ……
晚上睡覺時做了個噩夢
被驚醒後 忍不住跟他鬧情緒

明知是做夢卻會對現實的人生氣
這或許是戀愛才有的情節 …… ♡

愛 讓等待沒有怨言 ♡
愛 讓等待變得值得 ♡

My Checklist.

如果能找到一個
這樣的男生/女生
請不要輕易放棄

My Checklist.

Love Pt 1

有沒有覺得 ……
能跟心愛的人聊天聊到睡著
是戀愛其中最幸福的一件事

remembering those days... looking forward that it will be every night with you... forever... till we have our own house.. then we can talk to sleep.. side by side




每次我們吵架的時候 ……
其實總是希望你先來哄哄我

I also will think that you come and cheer me up.. 




所謂愛 ……
就是別人擔心你會胖
我卻擔心你沒吃飽♡

Always worry that you will have gastric if you don't eat, and if I eat too much, I will run toilet and disturb our date. 


想你是臨睡前的習慣
不是因為習慣才想你
而是因為想你已成習慣

:)

如果有人真的愛你

如果有人真的愛你
那他無論忍受多少
都不會願意跟你分開

那種嘴上說愛
其實離你越來越遠的
不過是謊言

那種滿嘴真愛
其實一點虧都不肯吃的
無非是路過

真愛
就是奔著結果去的

沒結果的
只能叫曾經愛過

無論你愛過誰
結果只有一個
陪你到最後的
才是真愛 ……

不是每個人都值得愛

不是每個人都值得愛
更不是每個愛人都值得嫁/娶

我們一生裡遇到許多人
有些適合談浪漫的戀愛
而有些卻可以相伴一生

區別很簡單
適合戀愛的會讓你開心
適合結婚的會讓你放心

如果你談戀愛談到傷心
那就找個放心的人結婚

因為 ……
開心只是一陣子
放心才是一輩子

然而深愛一個人時

喜歡一個人時
你可能會同時也喜歡其他人
或者對另一個人也有好感

然而深愛一個人時
你會發覺自己的心
根本無力去再愛其他人
-
喜歡一個人時
你會覺得甜津津的、滿面春風

然而深愛一個人時
你如沐春風的背後
暗暗地會有點沉重和忐忑不安
-
喜歡一個人時
你會有興趣知道他的過去
好使你更了解他

然而深愛一個人時
你會害怕真相
聯想他和他之前的情人
發生過的事時、你會戰慄
-
喜歡一個人時
你會對他有難以解釋的好感

然而深愛一個人時
你會在心深處有一點點恨他
你會隱隱地恨他不夠投入 對你不夠好
-
喜歡一個人時
你會很享受他無微不至的照料

然而深愛一個人時
你會千方百計設法為他多做一點事
不計代價多幫他一點忙
-
喜歡一個人時
是你選擇愛情

然而深愛一個人時
是愛情選擇了你
你會覺得你完全沒有選擇
不去全情投入去深愛他
-
喜歡一個人時
你會有不原諒他的可能

然而深愛一個人時
除了他不愛你之外
一切罪大惡極的事你都會饒恕他
-
喜歡一個人時
是因為他待你好

然而深愛一個人時
即使他待你不好
你仍不會捨得放手
-
喜歡一個人時
你是被緣份牽引著

然而深愛一個人時
你卻是完全被他牽著鼻子走
你的情緒起伏已經任由他去支配了
-
喜歡一個人時
你還可以懸崖勒馬

然而深愛一個人時
你已經泥足深陷 無法自拔

Million pain

I freeze my heart not to show my pain.. Enjoying the show to cheer u up. The moment the lift door close, my heart melt. Million of pain rushes into my heart. Uncontrollable feeling make my eyes teary. All the way to the bus stop. U call, I stay cool. Yet I got u angry. U SMS me then. My heart numb... The previous million pain numb all. I am in pain... No one can heal me.. Including u

I cannot believe you say, "this is me. you can choose to walk away."
I wonder what do you really mean... you are asking me to walk out of your life?

you can say I am always assuming.. I am always am... this is me.. (your style of reply will be take it or leave it)

I dislike your reply, "up to you, anything, i piss off, end topic" Fine by me.. I just keep quiet..
Once you tell me you dislike my cold attitude, my language, my behaviour, u tell me off. (of coz after you have ensure until you cannot take it anymore) That is the difference between the two of us. We are not the same...

I try to make you laugh... but most of the times... I don know how.. I just keep quiet.... and quieter.....

If you have realize, I just keep quiet... coz no matter what I say you always have things to shoot back... everything is my fault can already... so what is the point for me to speak...

I am going back to my quiet self again... thinking.. what is the point... let you all win can already.. anyone who dislike me... just leave... I have no capability to bother.... no right...

I am always a quiet loner ...

Running Man Madness

Thank you for the promise to watch running men together. I am not sure how long will this promise last, but I will appreciate it.

Many a times, you look at me. My heartbeat skip. Many a times, at that moment, I want to kiss you. But I never did. (even you did ask me to follow my heart) I cannot be selfish and neglect your feeling. You once told me that you will be sad cause you treat me as your friend only, yet I kiss you. So I just stop myself. Also I lose confident to follow my heart already. I don't know how to make you happy truly.

After I say something wrong, you don't want to talk and put down the phone. I call back but you reject my calls many many times. You even off your phone soon later. Then finally you pick up my call. I tried to break the ice. it did not work. Guess I have to thanks the taxi driver to make you happy.

I love you, Haru Matsuo